NO
is one of the first words we learn. It
carves out our personal boundaries and proclaims that what we want is not
necessarily in harmony with the desires of other beings in our universe. NO has the power to unleash a wide variety of
emotions: resentment, rage, disappointment, disapproval, or relief.
Will you help me with
this?
Can we go to the party?
Do you love me?
Do I have cancer?
Will you lend me some
money just one more time?
As
we mature socially, we often find it useful to wrap our more offensive refusals
in a little fuzzy padding.
I’m already
double-booked that day.
I have a headache.
I would love to, but my
husband/wife/mother/boss would not approve.
I don’t know – let me
think about it.
Under
pressure, we often say yes when we really want to say no. Some can happily say
“No problem!” and forget all about it five minutes later. Others doggedly follow through, struggling to
hide any fermenting resentment, guilt or self-pity. We are often tempted to use
a creative excuse to free us from the burden of a commitment. Many have
mastered the art of sending double messages that manipulate others into
withdrawing their request. The dance of yes and no can easily become complicated
and painful. Let your yes be yes and your
no be no is good advice, but not easy to follow.
If
we make a habit of denying what we really want, our bodies may let us know that
all is not well. Then we suffer the double
burden of being sick and feeling guilty for being sick.
I
don’t remember my terrible twos, or how I came to the conclusion that saying no
was dangerous. I remember feeling frozen in compliance, like a deer in the
headlights. When I was ten or so, I
started saying no more often, but I wasn’t able to make it stick. I could not
bear the thought that I was disappointing someone else. Today, I pretend to believe that other
people’s emotions are their responsibility, not mine, but I still feel very
uncomfortable with the thought that my choices are inflicting unhappiness on
others.
I
have come to realize that no matter what I do, I will not please everyone. That should be liberating – if I can please
only one person, it might as well be me.
But I continue to be haunted by the idea that it is my job to keep
everybody happy. The fear of not being
able to say no is a strong component of my social anxiety.
When
I was a teen-ager, certain things were a no-brainer for me. I wouldn’t let other people copy my homework
(although I would invest a lot of time in coaching them so they could do it
themselves). I wouldn’t lie to my
parents about where I was and what I was doing (really!). My rural lifestyle with no personal
transportation protected me from having to face a lot of the traditional teen-age
temptations, but when they came, I generally upheld my personal code of
ethics. That caused me considerable
distress, because I wanted desperately to belong. I was very invested in pleasing people, and
felt sub-human when I didn’t.
My
most painful test came near the end of grade twelve. I was feeling like less of an outsider that
year, a member of my class. I even had
fun occasionally. Towards the end of the
year, someone decided to throw an overnight class party at their parents’
cottage. Wonder of wonders, I was
invited. When I found out that there
would be no chaperones, I said I could not go. The boy I happened to have a
crush on asked, “What’s the matter?
Aren’t we good enough for you?” Over half a century has passed since then, but
I still remember the boy’s name and how I devastated I felt.
My
mother was very sympathetic. “Can’t you
tell them that I won’t let you go?” she asked.
“But
you would let me go!” I wailed.
“Of
course,” she said. “I trust you.”
I
stayed home. Maybe it was her trust.
Maybe it was self-preservation. Despite my sheltered existence, I knew
enough about real life to be sure that there would be alcohol and sex. I wasn’t particularly well-versed in human
sexuality, but I knew that sex caused pregnancy and pregnancy caused
interruption to the educational process, often permanently. And I was going to university because that
was my mother’s dream, one I was determined to carry out at any cost. It never occurred to me to say no to that,
although I would dearly have liked to take a year or two off after high school
and experience the independence of gainful employment.
The
hardest no I ever said came in my third year of teaching, after my car collided with
a van in a white-out. I spent three
weeks in the hospital and came home with two plaster casts, no right kneecap,
and a missing front tooth. My father told
me, with great authority, that I would no longer be doing any winter
driving. It wasn’t a power play; he just
wanted me to be safe. It would have been
so easy to say yes and avoid all the challenges involved in getting behind a
steering wheel again.
I
took a deep breath and said, “I’m sorry – that isn’t your decision to
make.” In that moment, I realized that I
was a grown-up and accountable for my own choices. If I let other people pressure me, I would be
stuck with the consequences. I went on to survive two more traffic accidents. Every time I take my vehicle on the road, I
pray fervently that there will not be another one. But I am still driving.
In
the early Eighties, I endured another memorable NO. My husband had finally realized his dream of
becoming an Anglican priest, and we migrated to Turtleford, Saskatchewan, to be
part of a shared ministry of a six-point parish. I was quickly absorbed into a host of church
activities. One of them was religious
education in the town of Livelong. Every Friday afternoon during the academic
year, a team of dauntless volunteers invaded the classrooms of the local school
for an hour. Once a month, we would herd
all the kids to our little Anglican church and have a worship service. It was challenging, but not without its
rewards. I was inspired to write my
first gospel song during that time, because the kids needed something with a
beat and a message, and I heard some of them singing it afterwards. As the end of the school year approached, I
realized how overloaded my schedule was.
I wanted to drop church school.
It was only an hour a week, but it was a stressful hour that required a
lot of preparation and a commute.
At
that time, I was a newcomer to Anglican Renewal West, so I decided to pray
about it. My conversations with God were
pretty one-sided in those days – “listen, Lord, for Your servant is speaking”. I was startled indeed when I heard a
friendly, somewhat amused voice in my head saying, “I can make it work either
way.”
This
message stunned me. What? God can make it work
without my dedicated participation? I am
not really needed? I have to make up my
own mind instead of carrying on my merry martyrdom?
I
was pretty sure that this was God giving me the freedom I needed, not what my
self-importance imagined was expected of me.
Even so, it was hard to say yes to what I wanted to do. I would disappoint and inconvenience people
who were depending on me. I took comfort
in the fact that they would have two months in the summer holidays to recruit
someone to take my place.
They
refused to hear my no. You’re doing such
a great job. Of course you’ll be
back. Every attempt to voice my
decision was met with more praise and optimistic predictions that I would find
it impossible to desert the cause.
When
school started the following fall, I was faced with many expressions of
consternation.
You weren’t at church
school! What happened?
I am not doing that any
more. I told you that last spring.
Of course you are! We need you.
Armed
with the conviction that God was on my side, I held firm. It was November before they realized that I
was serious and a replacement was found.
From what I heard, she did a good job and all was well.
I
am still learning how to say no effectively.
Every time is a mini-crisis for me, tormenting me with guilt and
defensiveness. It is a little easier
than it used to be because I understand more clearly just how important it is
not to live in Shouldville and be true to myself. It is impossible to say yes whole-heartedly
without the freedom to say no. A
commitment that is made under duress will crumble sooner or later. It is impossible to love at gunpoint.
Every
YES in our lives is supported by a network of NOs. When we marry, we promise to “forsake all
others” and cleave to only one. When we
are confirmed, we make a covenant to renounce the world, the flesh and the
devil, and follow only one Lord and Master.
Even
simple, everyday tasks require us to say no.
When I wake up in the morning, I generally think of fifteen things I
could or should be doing that day. But
until I decide on one and let the other fourteen go for the time being, I am
paralyzed. Whatever I invest in will
grow in value over time.
Our
free will may feel like a burden at times, but it is a sacred responsibility. When we come to a fork in the road, we have
to choose a path, even at the risk of being wrong. If we don’t, we will never get anywhere.