The Edge of Eternity

ON THE EDGE OF ETERNITY

Sometimes, it only takes a single sentence to change the way I see life.

Recently, I was whining to a friend that I was, once again, on Square One of a brand new game board.  She looked at me with complete lack surprise and said, “All days are like that.”

She was just stating the obvious.  But it was not obvious to me.

My childhood keepers taught me that if I worked really hard and obeyed all the rules, I would be successful and would be rewarded accordingly.  So I set out to work hard and discover what the rules were.  I had absolute faith that one day, after I had laboured mightily and mastered all the rules, I would play a flawless game. Finally, I would be grown up, and know exactly what to do in every circumstance. Life would be gloriously domesticated.  No bumps, bruises, or bug bites.

My lack of progress convinced me that I was stupid and lazy.  I overworked everything, and avoided challenges that I was not confident of conquering.  Ultimately, I gave up on myself and decided that serving other, more deserving people was the only way I could justify my existence.  I conceived a romantic scenario about achieving immortality by dissolving myself in others.

One day, I read a sentence that punctured my balloon.  “If I am here to serve others, what are others here for?”  I suspect that this was supposed to be a joke, but it hit me hard.  If serving is such a privilege, and it is more blessed to give than to receive, shouldn’t everyone have a chance to do it?  Isn’t it actually a kind of exploitation to do things for people just so I can feel better about myself?

I gradually started asking questions like “What do I really want?” “Does this really work?” and “Is this in the best interest of all concerned?”

I also noticed that the rules were not as durable and universal as I imagined.  A passionate young clergyperson informed me that rules cease to be valid when they no longer serve the people for whom they were made.  I was unable to integrate that thought into my world view, but it left a dent in my delusions.

When my mother died the day after my 71^st birthday, I no longer had anyone’s needs to juggle but my own.  The questions that had been brewing in the back of my mind migrated to front and centre.  Welcome future shock.

The rules are not what they were.  Nothing is certain but uncertainty.  I can’t control anything that is worth controlling.  Every day is a leap of faith into the unknown.

Scary stuff.  But it is also an adventure.

Every day, I am standing on square one of a new game board.  My mission, should I decide to accept it, is to discover what works for me today, and what doesn’t.

Let the game begin.  I'm not ready, but nobody ever really is.